first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
