My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
