That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
PANTIES FOUND
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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