My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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