I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i think my mom watched the whole time
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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