ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
