we have pet lesbian snakes
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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