Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
