I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You are the jesus of drinking
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
