I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
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I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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