My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
