She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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