So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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