The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
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One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.