You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.