Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".