Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
