Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my phone needs a breathalizer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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