i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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