I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
