Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
