apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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