My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
