very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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