frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
