...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
