You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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