I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
