We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
