FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Are my feet made of real feet?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
