So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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