Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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