WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
