I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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