guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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