I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We left the knife in your bed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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