and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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