I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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