im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
