what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
