i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
