Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
