she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
