Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
