Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
