I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
