420 ftw
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
