It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
