It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
