Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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