and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I will pee on everything he values.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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