i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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