does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
