thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
