im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I deserve this hangover.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
