So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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